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January 2009

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Jan. 18th, 2009

(no subject)

 





.
...
......
tears
...
           .
           ...
          ......
          tears

          ...
                    .
                    ...
                    ......
                    tears
                   ...

every time you cry
you lose a little bit of soul
you lose a little bit of heart
every time you smile
you gain a little bit of heart
you gain a little bit of soul

there are no smiles today
only

.
...
......
tears
...
           .
           ...
          ......
          tears

          ...
                    .
                    ...
                    ......
                    tears
                   ...
the tears
they glisten in my eyes
adding light and shine
sparkle
how beautiful sadness can be
magnifying the window
the portal to your soul

drip drip drip
drop drop drop
plop plop plop
plip plip plip
the
rhythm of life
the steadiness

it seems to not bother me
how frequent this has become
how normal it feels
how
   it
seems
  to
never
s
t
o
p
.
   .
.


life isn't perfect
life isn't fair
life doesn't care what you feel
and definitely not that you tear

.
...
......
tears
...
           .
           ...
          ......
          tears

          ...
                    .
                    ...
                    ......
                    tears
                   ...


 

Dec. 6th, 2008

(no subject)









what      what
have  have
i  i
done done
how could I be so blind
all this loss
where was i
spoiled              spoiled
all     all
everything's gone all wrong
what what
have   have
i    i
done       done

but i never intended all this madness
never
and nobody really understood

well
how could they

that all i ever wanted
was to bring them something great

why does nothing ever turn out like it should

well
what the heck
i went and did my best

tonight
i'm not going
to care
anymore

i'm done
feeling sorry
i'm done
worrying

d      d
o
n
e     e


Dec. 4th, 2008

(no subject)









why can you not see through my eyes yet
we're so similar and yet you can not
see through them damn it
my eyes
eyes
mine
e
y
e
s
.
.
.

the world
so beautiful
so full of circles
never ending
forever
going
again
again

love
it grows
it fades
and grows again
there
here
everywhere

you have to see
will you see for me
please

i...
plead
beg
ask
p
l
e
a
s
e

goodness
i can't do this anymore
can we have what we had before
doubt it
doubt
such a funny funny word

a
r
g
h

*sigh*

i give up
i quit
.
.
.
the end




(no subject)









d
 o

  y
   o
    u

   s
    e
 e

  i
   t

     y
      e
      t
 .
   .
.

do you see what you've done to me
my heart it bleeds
cries
  .
.
  .

glue
a
tear
or
two
not enough to fix this
not this time
it's not my problem this time

time
tic
tock
tic
tock
   .
.
   .
.
   .
.
coo-coo

it's time
your time
shine
shine like the star you are
she saw it
i see it
a new she will too
   p
r
        o
   m
i
       s
e

*poof*
gone
blink of an eye
lost

i pushed
you pushed
i pushed
broken
you ready
to
fix
i
t

you're the only one who can
you know it
yours
  .
.
  .
    .
  .



(no subject)









---   ---
----  ----
-----
-


.

.
...
.....

what is this that keeps tormenting me
will it keep going
forever

never  ending
always falling
continuously
to infinity

..
.

i try for peace and yet
life throws turmoil in my face

i ask for forgivness
i become forgotten
hated
refused
abused

my heart it hurts
another hole has been wrongfully wrought
where's the bandaids when you need them
in the fist aid kit
no, not the kind i need
where is he
sleeping
dead
to
the
world

how is it i'm here
lost
confused
scared
a lone strayed sheep
just looking for greener grass
num num
num

a river found
it flows
and
flows
always rushing
always gushing
it has a place to be
a time to be there
a purpose
a reason
will it ever run dry
a drought maybe
that's what is needed
a drought
dry
barren
hot
l
o
s
t

you ask of me
i give to you
i ask of you
you hide from me
we play the same games
i know where you're going with that
you're not allowed
it won't affect me like you want
i won't let it
i won't let you win
it's not fair
not your turn to win
someday maybe

maybe you'll see
a life you need
can hold in your arms
your heart
you deserve it
just not mine
it's not yours to have
it's his
his
...

tell me
will you listen
do what i ask
do it for me

love
how could you
abondon
alone
lost

fine
take my heart
do what you will
see if i care
break it
smash it
whatever
it's not mine anymore
just leave me
be

alone...
lost
drifting

.
.
 ..
   ...
     ....
         ......
      ....
    ...
..
.
.

 

Dec. 3rd, 2008

(no subject)










Is this all my life is ment to be?


constently hiding my feelings...
.... wondering why people always seem to have feelings for me...


What's so great?
What makes me so desireable?

Why have I not learned how to deal with this yet?
Is it because i just push it aside...
ignore it and it goes away?

i'm the attention whore that doesn't want it.
Am i destined to live this life?
i have all i could ever want and still these things get put before me.

tempting me...
chalanging me...
wanting me to change my mind...

but
it's
never
going
to
happen

Why won't life just realize?
stop giving me lemons, i'm sick of lemonade

Will my friendships ever be the same again?
no, it will never be the same.
life won't let it.
unfair.


Will you give me a break?
of course not.
you give me kurple
then murl
then jesse
then murl again
some others that really don't matter.

but...
Why me?
Why now?
Why all at once, yet so far apart?

all so similar...
always there...


haunting me

.
.....
.........
.....
.


.
...
.....
...
.


.
..
.


.

.


Oct. 28th, 2008

(no subject)


This is a story that I wrote for a freshman english class.



     My friend Sam was walking through a forest near a nuclear plant with radioactive runoff. Sam, being a whistling kind of person, began to whistle and paid no heed to the wildlife around him. As morning turned to early afternoon, Sam began to run out of band songs to whistle.

Sam was tired from walking as much as he did, so he found a fallen log that was covered with moss and fungus to sit upon. As he sat, he let the sounds of nature and fall press gently upon his ears. Sounds of birds, frogs, and other small creatures of the wood flowed towards him, along with the small swoosh of falling leaves. A small sigh of peace slipped unceremoniously from his lips to add to the natural sounds.

Sam’s amber eyes followed the trails of warm hued leaves. They were falling in arcs and twirls down to the cold, hard ground. The bark of the trees lay in patterns and colors, casting weird shadows amongst each other. The forest floor was carpeted with crimsons, gingers, golds, and auburns, the collection of fallen parts of trees.

The smell of fall was immeasurable in size, many different things contributing towards it. Decaying, rotting leaves and nuts, the smog forthcoming from the nuclear plant, and the fresh smells of overworked soil flowed stealthily in and out of Sam’s lungs. All of these were pleasant, save the pollution of the world, which was not natural to the forgiving mother earth.  Another sigh released itself from the grasp of Sam’s mouth, this of the sadness that was caused by the unforgiving man.

As suddenly as Sam had stopped whistling, the silent breeze that had once blown stopped, and all sound ceased. Sam surprised at this, stood and began to look lazily around for the cause of such unnatural silence. From the sky fell a brown acorn, with the small cap still attached, landing on Sam’s head and bouncing off with a small “bonk”.  Lifting his left hand to rub the spot the acorn had so rudely hit, he looked up to the canopy that he had neglected to search for the cause of silence. As he looked yet another acorn feel down from the never ending sky, this one hitting the left lens of the glasses that lay upon his head. Cursing, he searched more rapidly as another acorn fell and hit him upon the forehead, this time he saw the source of the falling acorns. It came from up high in an oak tree; at fault was a small furry mammal with a long bushy, gray tail, by the name of squirrel.

An idea formed in Sam’s head that would later prove to be fatal.  Picking up an acorn that had been thrown at him, with his dominant right hand; he pelted it up towards the mischievous squirrel. He followed through with the procedure a full six times before the squirrel began to bark furiously. Climbing down the tree at an amazing speed the squirrel barked more rapidly to his fellows. An alarming number of squirrels began to scurry down towards the ground, perhaps a total of fifty, and they circled around the distressed Sam.

A wild roar of barks and chirps arose from the mammals, reaching the ears that had registered the sounds of fall peaceful, in a defying sound. Reaching up to cover his ears, Sam watched silently as the squirrels began to move in stunning patterns. The largest squirrel, which was the one that had pelted Sam with the acorns that had created this mess, twitched out of the circle and towards Sam. Rising to his haunches, the squirrel looked around at the others that had gathered around it, causing them to end their loud barks. The lead mammal barked a simple but unpleasant command and charged towards Sam, wanting to cause as much physical pain as possible.

Sam turned and began to run hoping to either stall his death yet a little longer, or to make the squirrels bored of their pursuing. Weaving in and out of the trees, the squirrels kept at Sam’s fast pace. After a few minutes of continuous running Sam became tired, and slowed. Leaping, the lead squirrel landed upon the left leg of Sam and began to gnaw, causing sharp twinges of pain to rise up towards the brain, creating an unforgiving head ache. Another squirrel, not as big as the first, leapt upon Sam’s right leg and gnawed away creating another large amount of pain, leading Sam to fall to the ground. As the radioactive squirrels began to swarm about his body, Sam twitched in the final stages before death.

A light glow began to flow from Sam in radiant radioactive pulses. The breath and beating of the heart had ceased, leaving Sam’s body an empty bag that contained the soul of a confused person whom threw things at squirrels. The squirrels backed off and jumped around in complete and sheer ecstasy. Barks and “chicks” of sound filled the restful fall air that smelled of fore baying toxic waste.

Many years passed from the event till now, and the nuclear plant was shut down. Even after multiple storms and seasons, the radioactive measurement of the area is always higher than normal. The distressed squirrels have calmed slightly and are not as vicious and they once were, but if you walk in the forest, never throw things back towards the squirrels. Just leave them be and you should be fine and live unlike Sam, my friend.

Sep. 24th, 2008

(no subject)

 




Once upon a time there was a girl. 
She was a very pretty girl, even if she didn't like to think so.
Mostly, she didn't believe it when people told her that she was, and she couldn't convince herself that it was so,
what with people telling her otherwise all the time.

Now, this girl was very insecure when it came to her physical appearence.
She had memories of middle school gym in which she never changed in front of certin friends because they laughed at her lack of breasts.
She sat there silently as they made jokes and said cruel things. 
But she thought nothing of not hanging with these friends.
These were the girls she loved, and spent most of every day with.
And she sat there and dreamed about a larger bra size, and saw that she could never be pretty with out one.

This girl also had memories of sitting in seventh grade pre-algebra, and having mean things said about her pimples.
She sat there with her face down, never looking anyone in the face, for she "knew" where their eyes always went.
Never looking into her gray eyes, hidden by slim silver frames.

Memories of eighth grade also followed this girl.
Plagued her every day.
Again, she had comments made about her breast size and her pimples.
But now, adding to her injury, she had comments about her hair.
It was long, wavy, and a plain brown.
She never wore it down, always in braids, because she couldn't stand being called a hippie one more time.

Once this girl got to high school she thought things might get better.
People mature as they age right?
No one would care to make fun of her now... right?

The girl was wrong.
She traveled into a spiraling abyss of negitive thoughts.
None that seemed to see her for what she really was.
This time the comments came in nicknames she had not heard since elementry school.
Stick, toothpick, skin and bones, and skeletor just to name a few.
She wore baggy shirts, you know, the ones with the funny sayings from Hot Topic?
And pants that were a few sizes too big.

But, as sad as this story may seem, all stories end happily, eventually.

This girl found a boy, who saw her for who she really was.
Not only did he notice the beauty that hid with-in, but also the beauty that was out in the open, for anyone to see.
If they just choose to look for it.

And with this boy's encouragement, the girl slowly began to see what he saw.

She saw her breast size was no matter. 
They were perfectly porportiant.
What did she need anything bigger for?
To be a whore like the girls who teased her all those years ago?
Maybe.
She saw that there was nothing wrong with her skin.
Yes, there may have been a few inperfections, but that didn't matter.
Because, behind those trendy frames were hidden eyes of the most gorgous gray.
She was blessed with eyes that never stayed the same color for more than a day.
She began to see what made her eyes so deep, and the window to within.
She saw, with the help of a very kind lady, that she could have the hair she had always wanted.
Something short that was easily managed.
And was able to breakup her face, and bring out the parts she wanted brought out.
She saw that she no longer needed to wear baggy clothing to hid her lack of thickness.
She began to find clothing she thought was cute, and apperently enhanced her cuteness.
She was able to see that she had nothing to hide.

This girl was able to see thorough no one elses eyes but those that really mattered.

Her own.

(no subject)






Sweet Dreams And Happy Memories

Sweet dreams and happy memories,
A love that's good and true;
A home to care for tenderly;
A song to sing that's new
Sweet dreams and happy memories
And friends to join in mirth
Some tears to give to those who die,
And smiles to greet each birth.
Sweet dreams and happy memories,
To win a game or two.
The faith to know that Spring will come,
The strength to wait it through.
Sweet dreams and happy memories,
To do what there's to do
For joy is living day to day,
To make sweet dreams come true.

Doris Reed Tietz

I figured this poem would be a good opener for the next few posts (I don't actually know the number yet, but it can be infinitly many because, you'll always have memories, and they'll just keep comin').

So if you haven't guess yet, or I haven't told you, memories are my main focus for a while.  Mostly just the important ones, the happy ones, and just those that you will always remember, or at least you should and you may just need a nudge or two.

Fair warning.  I'm not quite sure yet as to the directions that the memories shall take, and as I do not beleive that they will be in chronological order.  Just because that's how I work.


Sweet Dreams, and Happy Memories.

Sep. 18th, 2008

(no subject)

Why does this always happen?!?
I never seem to get anything right.

I let things bother me way too much. 
When will I finally listen and stop?

So, the last couple days or so have been really rough on me.
I've been missing Eric terribly so.  I'm starting to hate myself for wanting to go so faraway from him.  I feel like I've been very selfish with my descisions as of late and...  I hate myself for it.  I can't handle being this far away from him, and I did it by choice. 
How fair is it for me to ask that of him?
but I didn't even ask...

I have this problem, where when I'm really stressed I take it out on those that I care about.  Those that don't derserve it most.
Will I ever learn?

What's happening to me
can you answer me that
how will it end up
do you know
do
I know
?